Everyone who goes gluten-free knows the challenge of
figuring out what to eat for breakfast. The typical American breakfast consists
of gluten, gluten, and more gluten. Like Monty Python's famous Spam sketch –
toast, bagels, cereal, oatmeal, muffins, pancakes, scones, and donuts are all,
"I'll have some wheat with my wheat, please." Sure, there are eggs
(which unfortunately I also have a sensitivity to), and hash browns, and yogurt
and fruit, but those all cry out for some sort of bread-like accompaniment. Sometimes
you just want to crunch into something, you know?
Lately I've been craving English muffins, so despite the
fact that the last time I tried to find a good gf English muffin, it ended in
failure, I thought that maybe in the ensuing three years, someone would have
come up with a better one.
My local Stop and Stop had three options in the gluten free
freezer section, and of those three, I chose the ones that looked the most English
muffin-y by Food for Life. They're made with: Organic brown rice flour,
filtered water, organic tapioca flour, potato starch, fresh yeast, sea salt,
and vegetable gum (xanthan, cellulose). Pretty standard gf ingredients.
Maybe the problem was that I didn't let them thaw out in the
fridge or on the counter first. I defrosted one the microwave for a minute
until it was soft enough to cut through, then I put it in the toaster. After
one round in the toaster on med-high, the muffin looked exactly like it had
when it came out of the microwave – pale, soft, and doughy – so I put it in for
another round. Three minutes later it
was still pale, so I put it in the toaster for a third go-round, this time
turning it up to high. Why wasn't this thing toasting?? After the third try, I said
the hell with it, I'm just going to eat it, so I pulled it out and buttered it.
This was when I noticed it was as hard as if it were still frozen, except it was
hot. Uh oh.
 |
| This muffin has been toasted (three times!) and buttered. |
We all know that an English muffin is really just a warm
crunchy vehicle for whatever we're topping it with, but that vehicle should, if
not add to the taste, at least not detract from it. Not so Food for Life Gluten
free English muffins. Their consistency I would describe as "dense." Their
taste I would describe as not dissimilar to Papier-mâché (which, when I looked it up to check the
spelling just now, found translates, appropriately, as "chewed paper"). I would
have had more enjoyment putting butter and brie on the plate and licking it off.
I made it through the first half of the muffin, realizing immediately it was
not going to meet my expectations, but carrying on in the hopes of at least
trying to decipher why it was so bad. At first I thought it needed salt, but
then I read the ingredients and saw that it has some. Then I thought maybe it was my
fault for toasting it too long. But I wanted it to be browned, damn it! Then I gave
up and reached for the Sesmark Savory Rice Thins and put the rest of the brie
on them.
There are decent
gluten free scones available (thank you Whole Foods), there are delicious gf
muffins made locally by Raos, but the quest for an edible gf English muffin
continues.
